


homin | scream

by plincess_cho (ai_hao)



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Author: Ai, DBSJ, Gen, non-au, sorta - Freeform, yunho bein emo about life and frankly same
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-17 00:43:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10582875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ai_hao/pseuds/plincess_cho
Summary: Everyone keeps telling Yunho how happy he should be, but he feels like falling apart.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Debs <3

If anyone asks, Yunho is feeling wonderful and happy and _so excited_ to be back on tour. He’s missed being onstage and he cannot wait to perform in Osaka tomorrow in front of thousands of screaming fans. He loves the idol life, he enjoys working constantly, and he doesn’t even mind dieting before appearing for his fans.  
  
So if anyone asks, Yunho is doing _great_.  
  
And they do ask. They ask constantly. At every singe interview, at every single fan meeting, at every single moment. “Aren’t you glad to be back, Yunho?” And he smiles and nods and agrees and even gushes a bit about just how great and wonderful it all is. Because it _is_ wonderful and he _should_ be happy to be back. This is his dream, this is what he’s fought for his entire life, this is what he _loves to do._  
  
Except…  
  
Yunho pushes all of _those_ thoughts out of his mind and tries to focus solely on the interviewer’s questions. They’re questions he’s heard only a thousand times in the past few weeks but he tries in earnest to answer like he’s never heard them before. He replies with a grin while the interviewer giggles at his response. Next to him, Changmin snorts and mutters something in Japanese that Yunho’s sleep-deprived brain can’t seem to process. The staff all chuckle so it must have been funny, so Yunho forces a laugh out in response. He claps Changmin’s shoulder and pretends to listen to the interviewer’s next question but _oh_ Changmin’s shoulders are so tense and his shoulders get tense when he’s stressed and if Changmin is stressed then Yunho should be alleviate that stress because he is the leader after all except that Changmin doesn’t want him to be the leader he wants them to be partners but they feel so out of sync now and oh shit the interviewer just asks him a question and he’s still groping Changmin and _fuck._  
  
He somehow manages to remove his hand from Changmin’s shoulder and ask the interviewer to repeat her question, all the while praying that some serious editing will occur before this interview ever goes to air.  
  
The interview finishes and they’re hustled over to another part of the studio to take some photos. The interviewer stands between him and Changmin, holding their album and talking in very rapid Japanese that Yunho can’t keep up with. He diverts all of his attention to smiling for the camera, hoping that nobody will realize that anything is wrong.  
  
They’re allowed to change clothes before the managers direct them to the waiting vans for the drive to Osaka. Yunho jams his earphones into his ears  and pulls his hood up over his head. He settles himself into a seat and pretends to fall asleep immediately after slipping a pair of sunglasses over his eyes. He feels Changmin slide in beside him and hears the door close, and then they’re off.  
  
Yunho sighs inwardly. Coming back from the army had been harder than he had expected, especially because he’d had to suffer through several performances without Changmin. He’d tried to convince himself that it really was no big deal, that Changmin had done the same thing when Yunho had enlisted first, and that it was just a few hours and would be over soon, but…  
  
He’d gotten to the venue early so he could mentally prepare himself. He’d wandered around a bit before finding a dressing room marked solely _유노윤호_ with no reference to TVXQ or Changmin. He’d spent a total of four minutes in said dressing room before, to his surprise, Sungmin had appeared in the doorway greeting him politely.  
  
“Heechul said to tell you that he’s on his way and wants to talk with you before the show,” Sungmin had said. “How—how are you doing?”  
  
Yunho had mustered a smile. “I’m—as expected,” he had replied.  
  
Sungmin had nodded. They’d talked a bit about this when they’d been enlisted together, sharing fears about returning, about marriage, about life. Both had expressed that it wouldn’t be easy coming back, even though it was what they wanted. Sungmin had admitted that he wouldn’t mind staying in the army for a bit longer, until he could gather the strength to return. Aloud, he had said something along the lines of, “We have tons of food in our dressing room, if you’re hungry.” But the unspoken message had been, _We’re here for you. You’re not alone._  
  
And he hadn’t been. The Super Junior boys had taken good care of him, helping him through his first performance (and helping him get drunk enough to nearly forget about it afterwards). But it hadn’t been the same as performing with Changmin. The boys had known that, and had told him so.  
  
“We’re not trying to replace Changmin,” Heechul had said. “We’re just here to help you through.”  
  
Once Changmin had come back, comeback preparations had increased with a vigor Yunho had never seen before. Their 2011 comeback had been saturated with anxiety and fear about the future, wondering if they would ever make it again. Yunho had worked tirelessly to ensure that their comeback would be nothing less than their absolute best, and it had been.  
  
The entire time Yunho had been enlisted, he and everyone else had been counting down the days to his discharge. And once it had finally arrived, it had been so incredibly… anticlimactic. Yunho had imagined a giant weight rolling off his back and the comfort of finally being able to return to his civilian life but… he’d been away too long. Twenty months had been longer than he had anticipated and he’d found himself unable to pick things up right where he had left off.  
  
Yunho feels Changmin shift beside him as he tries to get comfortable. Thankfully, they’ve made it out onto the highway and the van smoothly cruises along the pavement. Normally, the gentle lull of the van combined with the low hum of its engine would put Yunho right to sleep, especially after the hellish schedule they’ve had recently. But not today.  
  
He sighs. He _should_ be happy. And he is! He really truly is. He’s glad to be back with Changmin, back performing, back in Japan, but…  
  
But his body aches from the weeks of constant practice and fitness. His brain hurts from the steady stream of Japanese that he only half understands. His eyes are bloodshot from the lack of sleep. His nerves are tense from the constant stress of returning to promotions after a two year hiatus.  
  
And part of him is simply just tired of trying to hide his worries from the world. Everyone excepts happy, joyful Yunho or serious, ass-kicking Yunho. Nobody wants to see tired, whiny Yunho complaining about how his joints hurt and how his brain feels like mush. He’s _sure_ that Changmin feels just as weary as he does and as the leader and as his _hyung_ , it’s Yunho’s responsibility to take care of Changmin above all else. Plus, the staffs have been incredibly accommodating in the past few months and he can’t let them down either, not to mention the fans who waited so patiently for their returns…  
  
Yunho really just wants to punch something.  
  
He can’t be everything for everyone. Not now. He can’t be the perfect son visiting his parents every month and calling them on the weekends to update them about his life. He can’t be the perfect brother to his dear, neglected sister who he was never there for when they were younger. He knows he won’t be the perfect uncle to his little niece or nephew, whenever one comes along, because he’ll be busy and far away and… And he can’t be the perfect artist to work with because that doesn’t exist and _goddammit_ he _is_ tired and he can’t be the perfect faultless oppa who exists solely for his fans’ love and affections and he can’t be the perfect hyung for Changmin even though he tries so desperately and he can’t he can’t he can’t…  
  
He can’t. He doesn’t have the energy. He doesn’t have the strength. And he curses himself for being so weak.  
  
Because for fuck’s sake he’s _U-Know Yunho_ , rising god of the east, and he most certainly _should_ be strong enough to handle all of this.  
  
But he’s not.  
  
So he sits in the van with a black cloud sinking over his head and tries not to think about things, like he’s done for the past few weeks. He realizes that he’s shoved so many feelings into the box marked _Deal With Later_ that there’s no more room for anything else. That box is filled to overflowing and sooner or later, he’s going to explode. Which makes him feel even worse because he knows the dam is going to break soon which only makes him more stressed which causes him to curse himself for being so easily exasperated and then…  
  
And then there’s a warm weight against his side as the van changes lanes and Changmin slides a little bit in his seat until he’s pressed against Yunho’s side. He’s asleep, Yunho can tell, and Yunho lets him nuzzle his chin against his shoulder. Yunho melts a little.  
  
_You need to tell Changmin_ , a gentle voice in his head tells him.  
  
He should. He really should. But he can’t, because that would add to Changmin’s stress and Changmin doesn’t need any more stress especially since he’s still adjusting too and that would just be unfair because why should Changmin have to suffer for Yunho’s inability to deal with stress like a normal human and clearly Yunho is just being selfish and he’s such a horrible person and and and…  
  
*  
  
Yunho nearly loses it at dinner.  
  
He’s _starving_ and hasn’t eaten properly in ages since he’s on this stupid diet. He tries to snack on veggies and tea, hoping that will help stave off the hunger pangs. Somebody tries to force alcohol on him and Yunho tries the best he can to politely but firmly refuse. The man won’t take no for an answer and Yunho feels his smile slipping as he starts to clench his teeth.  
  
Thankfully, Changmin appears to save the day and says something about Yunho not handling his alcohol well before dragging him off. “What’s going on?” Changmin asks under his breath.  
  
“Nothing,” Yunho replies, freeing his arm from Changmin’s grasp. “I’m fine.”  
  
Changmin gives him a look that says _You’re clearly_ not _fine_ , but Yunho ignores him. He stalks over to the other end of the room and decides to fuck it all and eat like a normal person. He shoves some bulgogi into his mouth and chews aggressively, until one of the coordis gives him a look. He swallows and tries to control himself but he knows he’s losing patience. And then he sees Changmin on the other side of the room poking at his rice and realizes that he really is going to fuck this all up.  
  
Yunho abruptly gets up from the table, knocking his spoon onto the floor in the process. He apologizes profusely and mutters something about having to use the bathroom. He looks around for the nearest exit and makes his escape to a chorus of _No, the bathroom is the other way!_ He hurries down the hallway to his room and lets himself in before locking the door behind him.  
  
The room is quite dark, and he doesn’t bother to turn any of the lights on. Instead, he paces around the room and fights with himself, trying to convince himself that he’s overreacting and that none of this is really a big deal so _pull it together, Jung_. But none of it works and he can feel his anxiety bubbling up his throat as he tries so desperately to be okay.  
  
But it doesn’t work. Instead, he digs through his suitcase for the pack of cigarettes he promised himself he wouldn’t use. He stalks out to the balcony and lights one up, taking a long drag that sends the nicotine coursing through his system. He exhales, sending a cloud of smoke into the night sky. He shouldn’t be doing this, he knows, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He takes another drag of the cigarette and curses under his breath.  
  
And then suddenly Changmin is there, pushing open the sliding glass door and eyeing the cigarette in Yunho’s hand. Yunho cringes inwardly, bracing himself for the rebuke that is sure to come. He had promised Changmin he would quit, but he had also promised Changmin that he would be strong enough for both of them and…  
  
“Something’s wrong,” Changmin remarks. He takes a seat opposite Yunho and stares out across the city.  
  
“No shit,” Yunho replies. He takes another puff on the cigarette and instantly regrets his words.  
  
Changmin doesn’t say anything, and Yunho’s brain kicks up a gear as he scrambles for something to say. They shouldn’t be like this. _He_ shouldn’t be like this. He should be better, he should be stronger, he should be able to deal with this. He’s U-Know Yunho and he’s Asia’s golden boy and he is living his dream and—  
  
“Your dream hurts right now.”  
  
Yunho realizes that he’s started speaking aloud when Changmin interrupts him. It’s just a simple phrase, but Yunho’s brain suddenly puts everything on pause. “What?”  
  
“Your dream hurts right now,” Changmin repeats. “I get it. We should be the happiest we’ve ever been because we’re out of the army and we’re about to perform another sold out venue and we’re well on our way to the top again. We should be elated and completely back to normal but instead I still find myself in a panic every morning because I can’t find the uniform that I never have to wear again.”  
  
_Oh._  
  
“And it sucks,” Changmin continues. “It sucks because everyone else tells you just how much things don’t suck and isn’t is great being back and how isn’t this _so_ much better than last time, except I don’t want to think about last time and…”  
  
“And all you want it for someone to agree that regardless of whether or not things will get better, it sucks right now,” Yunho finishes.  
  
“Exactly,” Changmin says. He turns to Yunho and says, “And it sucks right now.”  
  
Yunho snubs out his cigarette in the ash tray and exhales. He feels his shoulders relax and he takes another few deep breaths before responding. “It does,” he says quietly. “It really does.”  
  
The great thing about Changmin, Yunho will think to himself later, is that he never tries to bullshit anyone. He’s the first one to admit he’s not an eternal optimist (or any degree of optimist, to be clear), and today, that’s exactly what Yunho needs.  
  
They sit together out on the balcony for a long while as Yunho finally starts telling Changmin about the thoughts that have been at war in his mind for so long. Changmin admits to the same, and they laugh sheepishly about not having told each other. Changmin ducks back inside the room to fish two bottles of water out of the mini fridge, and Yunho notices that he not-so-subtly dumps the packet of cigarettes into the garbage. He comes back outside and hands a bottle to Yunho before sitting back down.  
  
They chat for a bit longer before Yunho’s stomach grumbles and he decides to order room service. Changmin agrees and they go back inside to hunt through the television menu for a movie to watch with their food. Changmin directs Yunho to the shower to rid himself of the stench of cigarette smoke and Yunho obeys. He stands under the spray of hot water for a long time, letting the steam soothe his aching muscles. He feels some of the remaining tension leave his body as he realizes, not for the first time, that he’s so incredibly grateful to have someone who understands him as well as Changmin does.  
  
When he finally turns the water off, he wraps himself in one of the robes the hotel provides and walks out to find their orders spread out on the table next to a selection of pain relievers Changmin must have brought.  
  
Yunho sits down across from Changmin and attacks the food with gusto, keenly aware of Changmin’s eyes upon him. He helps himself to a spoonful of rice before looking up to meet his gaze.  
  
“It’ll be okay, hyung," Changmin says, his eyes filled with earnest care and concern. “Really.”  
  
And Yunho thinks that maybe, just maybe it will. Not because of Changmin’s words, but because he’s been able to get through the tough times before with Changmin next to him. As he reaches for another piece of meat, he thinks back over all the times that they’ve encountered difficulties and how Changmin has always been there, silently supporting him with every ounce of strength that he has.  
  
“Thanks,” he says, the corners of his mouth twitching into a smile. “For everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love~~


End file.
